Rules for Employment

As I am both bleeding to death and irate, I will make this BLOGTASTIC PROCLAMATION quick:
NO DIRTY BASTARDLY HIPPIES MAY WORK AT STRONG CUPCAKE!


EVER!

Now, I know what you're thinking... "Karli, you're a do-gooder social working PHENOM! How could you not share the love with the hippie population?" Well allow me to explain why I am currently in need of a blood transfusion:

It's a lovely and brisk fall morning. And it's Saturday! A chance to head on down to the Portland Farmer's Market to purchase some local, fresh produce for extremely reasonable prices. While the weather forecasts wind, temps in the 40s, and an all around feeling of itsalmostwinterhopeyourereadyhahahahahahaha, I refuse to give in. So, I put on my lovely sweatpants, fuzzy sweater, and flip-flops - because I'm a rebel like that.
As I saunter through the market, I misjudge a curb and am suddenly HURLING THROUGH THE SKY, ass over elbows, may have found an alternative universe, life flashing before my eyes, I really hope I don't land in dog crap.... and land on all fours. For those who know me - I'm not a quiet woman. I can guarantee a loud animal-like yelp came from my lungs as I launched through the air.
Wouldn't you know it - not a single flippin' farmer hippie took notice of the adorable girl in the Down Dog position, bleeding from the toes, and attempting to maintain some level of self dignity. When I finally stood up, after ascertaining I was not dead, I noticed at least ONE DOZEN DIRTY HIPPIES staring at me... AND NOT ONE ASKED IF I WAS OKAY! I think one might have even been chewing on her dreadlock!

And for this, they must be punished.

So, here are the rules for employment at Strong Cupcake:

1. I don't care what your views are on legalizing marijuana - no stoners allowed.
2. I don't care what your thoughts are on "No Shave November" or whether or not you believe a woman shaving her legs is only a symptom of an oppressive patriarchal society. There will be no icky, hairy armpits floating around in the shop. And if I'm concerned your meals for the last 3 days may be showing from your beard - I will CUT THAT F*CKER OFF!
3. If you in any way, shape, or form smell of patchouli - don't even bother coming in.
4. Dread locks are all fine and dandy - but if I suspect either a bird family or some rodent herd is roaming around in the tangle; I will vomit and make you mop it up with your "I'm just living outside what society wants me to conform to" hair.
5. If you walk too slow because you are trying to truly "experience the moment", I will run you over in my mini and you still won't be hired.
6. If you ever use the phrase UTOPIAN SOCIETY to explain your hopes for the future... I will cut you.

Okay - did I make that clear?
Now, off to bandage my big toe, which appears to have deflated from the massive blood loss.