I wonder if Midol can be mixed into cake batter?

If the answer to that is yes - SOMEONE, PLEASE SEND ME THE RECIPE!!!
I get it; I'm a strong, sassy, independent woman. I burn my bra! I leave my pits and legs unshaven! I find Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus, and the chick from "Twilight" to be the undoing of DECADES of feminism. Yup, got it.
Bottom line - I hate my monthly "friend" and all that accompanies her. I hate the bloating, the cramps, the crying over country music. (No seriously, Darius Rucker's "It Won't Be Like This For Long" gets me every time! Damn you, Hootie! And all your little Blowfish, too!). Find me a woman who claims to love her period and I will punch her in the ever cramping ovaries... because she is a LIAR!

Okay, got that out of the system. I'd say I feel better, but that's a lie. Why am I up in the wee hours on this lovely Sunday evening/Monday morning? My cramps from surfin' the crimson wave acted as a gateway drug for Midol ULTIMATE STRENGTH.... which is caffeinated. So, on top of reading 100 pages from "The Thornbirds" (HILARIOUS), bleaching my kitchen, washing dishes, and making the strawberry topping for the cheesecake I made earlier (more on that at a later date... let's just say, it was EPIC) - I've been doing some bake-style research. Well, not so much research as reading an article in the latest issue of Cooking Light Magazine entitled "10 Things to Know about Making the Perfect Cake". And so, I've decided to report on what these 10 tips are and my ever-so-perceptive thoughts on these tips:

1. The best results start in the mixing bowl. A cake is essentially a chemistry experiment - a series of ingredients mixed in a specific order to case reactions that produce specific effects. Okay, gotcha - call me Bill Nye the Science Guy. From this point forward, I shall pretend I'm in Chemistry Class whenever I bake. For the record, I nearly flunked Chemistry... it got pretty bad... my dad may or may no have called in a few favors from the Jewish mob to get me through that one.

2. Know your oven. To prevent an under- or overdone cake, get an oven thermometer - it's the best way to be sure your oven is calibrated correctly. For those of my friends or coworkers I have seen in the last week, you may recall a certain "incident" involving me, my oven, some over-flowed chicken grease, and a wee-itty-bitty flame situation. My oven and I have since come to an understanding and I was a good person yesterday and cleaned the oven out. Lesson learned.

3. Choose the proper pan size (and color). Pan size is specified in recipes because a cake increases in volume 50 to 100 percent during baking. Color is important - glass or nonstick pans usually require a 25 degree reduction in baking temperature versus silver-colored aluminum pans. I have nothing smarmy to add - this is interesting sh*t to know. But, for the love, my cat is sleeping on the chair next to me right now and she just farted. Gross.

4. Use the right flour for the recipe. Different flours contain varying percentages of protein - the more protein, the more gluten. Cake flower is lightest; bread flour is more dense. Okay, that one makes sense. What if one gets all saucy and decides to toss in some whole wheat flour (as I have been wont to do? Is wont still used in sentences? Or do I just sound like a pretentious ass? Did I spell pretentious correctly? F*ck I'm tired and this Midol is making my hands jitter.)?

5. Weigh, don't measure, flour. Depending on how tightly flour is packed into a measuring cup, you can end up with double the amount intended. Alrighty, it ain't on the wedding registry - but anyone out there interested in purchasing me some sort of flour scale thingamajig... that would work for me. Normally, I'm morally opposed to scales - but since I'm nearly certain this scale will in no way be used to take note of the size of my a**, I'm willing to give it a go.

6. Chemistry is key:
-Flour: Thickens batter
-Leaveners: Causes cake to rise (baking soda and baking powder)
-Fats: Provides moisture and texture (butter, shortening, oil)
-Sugar: Breaks up gluten, absorbs liquid, enriches flavor
-Eggs: Helps cake batter set in the oven
-Delicious
-Delicous
-SUPER Delicious
-EXTRA SUPER Delicious
-Delicious with a side of bacon

7. Give your cake a cool down. Cool cakes in the pan on a wire rack for 20 minutes before removing from the pan. Like a lover, not all cakes want to snuggle immediately after baking. It needs some time alone to think, wipe off the sweat, and smoke a cigarette. Or, on some rare instances, freak out if the "cake pan" broke.

8. Frost like a professional. Basically, there are hundreds of techniques for putting the frosting on properly. The way I see it - you've got cake, you've got frosting. You could slop the frosting on with a pitchfork and it'll still taste fantabulous! If you want it to look all pretty... well, learn more patience than me.

9. Fondant may make for a beautiful cake, but it doesn't taste very good. Amen, brotha!

10. Factor in for higher altitude. Since there is less air pressure at higher altitudes, cakes rise more and can dry out because liquids evaporate more quickly. If you want to simply follow a recipe, don't live on a f*ckin' mountain.

Well, there you have it - tips to making a better cake. Once Strong Cupcake is up and running, there will be regular baking classes (in which I will be attending) to explain the good ol' fashioned chemistry behind why recipes ask for what they ask for. As much as I like to think some of it is out there just to annoy me, I'm sure there's more to it than that!

Bad, Bad Social Worker!

Yes, it's 2 o'clock in the afternoon, I'm on the clock at work, and I'm totally writing a little bloggerifficness because my level of concentration has completely hopped out the window and I'm hoping if I get some outside thoughts written down - I can get back to the ever so important task of saving the world. Who else loves run on sentences?

Something I've mentioned already - my wedding dress is currently a no-show. This wouldn't really be a problem, but my dress fitting is on Friday and it took several months to get an appointment with a lovely seamstress. So, short of deciding it'll be a toga-themed wedding... I'm beginning to show signs of stress.

My newest symptom - insomnia. Lots of it. I wake up at 2am and don't find dreamland again until 5am. That just ain't cool. I would drug up, but do folks really want to see what a doped up social worker looks like on a work day? I like to consider myself a patient woman, but while recently swirling around in a Benedryl-induced haze, a client was telling me about the various city utility trucks that are (in her mind) stalking her. And I'm not talking about one or two trucks - I'm talking HUNDREDS. I'm talking more trucks than actually are run by the city of Portland, possibly the entire state. They are all chasing my client around. LUCKILY, I stopped myself before spouting off my thoughts... none of which would have been good for my future as a clinician. ALTHOUGH, I did take a moment to myself to consider renting a big utility looking truck and driving around her neighborhood - just to see how evil I could really be. C'mon, that sh*t would be HILARIOUS!

Like I was saying, I'm faced with insomnia and I've discovered a way to be useful during the wee morning hours - BAKING! I surprised my future hubby with a huge ready-for-work lunch the other morning, and I've even begun to pre-set tools and ingredients before bed... knowing I'll be popping up during the night and need an activity to keep me sane. Next up, Peanut Butter Oatmeal Cookies with Chocolate Chips.

Which brings me back to the original point of creating this blog- what could Strong Cupcake Bakery look like? Is it feasible to have a working bakery up and moving 24/7? Seriously - the city of Portland closes its eyes by 1am and everything shuts down. How sweet (pun intended) would it be to have a bakery open all night? Students craving a sugar fix during finals? Drunken Old Port Tavern idiots needing a cookie to get over their frat boy fight? Future brides FREAKING OUT because the dress they'd purchased over a year ago that was supposed to arrive nearly one month ago, but now it's nowhere to be seen and the invitations should have already gone out, but now they are trapped in printer hell and the bar service that should be easy is actually a pain in the ass because the state liquor inspector may be Satan's evil twin and what if my ass has officially expanded to the point where it needs its own zipcode and the Spanx I purchased will cause me to stop breathing during the ceremony, most of which may be in a language I don't understand anyway and I think may translate to my fiance purchasing me from my father for the grand total of 12 goats begging for something drenched in chocolate?

Yeah... a 24 hour bakery could offer some solace in the above mentioned hypothetical situations. Just a thought.
Okay, back to saving the world!

A Good Day

In general, I spend my day to day working with families in ABSOLUTE SUCK situations. But sometimes, a bright spot opens up!
I'm working with a young family who is adopting - they are one of the sweetest families I have ever met and every time they bring their baby to my office, I just about melt. (I then proceed to make note to harass Jay about turning me into a baby-maker. He does not appreciate my interuterine desires, but I'm working on it.)

Anyhoo, I realize in writing my "Big Space" idea about Strong Cupcake... I left out a play space! There's a bread store near my office, Big Sky (www.mainebread.com) that reserves a corner of it's dining area for little bakers. There's a play oven, cookie cutters, and big ol' buckets of unused bread dough to play with.
Yeah, Strong Cupcake is totally stealing that idea. Cause that's how I roll.

This way, should the sweetest family in the world stop on by for some coffee and a cookie, their wee tot can get in on the action and have some fun.

In the meantime, if anyone out in cyberland feels like procrastinating and designing my bakery, I'd love if someone with an actual sense of space could draw pretty pictures for me!

Okay, must get back to work.... this week has felt way longer than necessary and I'm getting myself all pumped up to make some good ol' fashioned Jew-y noodle kugel for a pot luck on Sunday. Yeah, Jew Food!!!

Cookies for Equality!

Well, my grand schemes of trying out the Banana Pear Ambrosia were quickly dashed when I discovered the avocados I'd purchased were hard as rocks. Oh, well - give it another try at the end of the week.

HOWEVER - I will be volunteering at the No On One office tomorrow and I'm feeling the urge to bring some baked goods for these warriors of justice! Any thoughts?
When you think of legalizing marriage for same sex couples, what sort of sweet treats come to mind?
Please keep in mind, I'll be concocting this confection later tonight, after drinking with an old friend whom I haven't seen in MONTHS... so it's all about simplicity! Cause if Bar Lola offers delish fruity martinis, I'm screwed.

Teehee!